Log, 2023
08.13
(Tango music continues)
At the outset, they are opponents. Each has something the other wants. They size one another up, assessing risk, setting boundaries, challenging each other to breach them. Nothing given that is not earned, nothing taken that is not given. This is the pure essence of negotiation.
09.07
My closest friends are strangers. I understand that tight bonds can make me vulnerable. So I am careful not to have any. That is also why I am so conflicted about the images. I need them. And I hate that about myself because they make me vulnerable.
09.13
I think he just wants to be seen. Men want intimacy just like anybody else. They long for it. But they are taught that they are vulnerable, they are not men. This cultural expectation is innately traumatizing. The feeling that it's wrong, it’s a learned response. It’s not real.
09.18
Why does there always have to be a connection? Do I need an explanation for everything? In my experience there usually is. However, there is randomness, too. A matter of chance. Everyone wants to believe there’s some kind of order to everything, or divine will. Chaos. Chance. Gods. Perhaps they are all meaningless. Fate, if there has to be a connection.
09.21
The pictures really show a tenderness, instant alertness to human tragedies, and those moments of generosity and sweetness. I see her as an incredibly watchful, observant, caring observer.
10.04
The humor and quirkiness and strangeness amidst the chaos. It’s your flaws that I'm interested in.
11.05
The Dead don’t know they are dead. Death is an issue for the living. - the metamorphosis of Birds (2020)
Who am I in the eyes of most people? A nobody, a non entity. If they were absolutely true, one day I will have to show by my work what this nobody, non entity has in her heart. Normality is a paved road. It is comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow. - van
11.14
Those with scarred hands and broken hearts, hold love with the most fragility. The damaged understand the beauty of love.
11.16
An eternity of misunderstanding - we don’t see things as they are. We see them as we are. If one can’t be heard or seen, they are not making their presence felt.
11.22
The longer the resistance that I feel, the more important it is that I do. Assumably, light and shadow; dream and resistance. The more I feel something, the more certain I can be. Whatever the pain is. Sometimes, I act as if I’ve failed when my dreams change.
11.23
our expectation determines the outcome. As long as we are not attached to it, the outcome will be guaranteed. The body is simply an instrument of the mind. Every cell in the body is eavesdropping on our internal dialog. When we give it a command through feeling and visualization, it will automatically and effortlessly lead us to the desired outcome.
12.08
Being in my twenties and living in today’s society might be hard at times. For people like me - naively good and with hearts soft as a marshmallow, the world could be rather cruel, when it comes to the realization that not everyone is willing to give the same back as what you’ve already given to them. When it comes to human interaction, communication is central. The era of technology is starting to leave its imprint on the way we behave. It seems like we have forgotten how to be human. People avoid putting emotion into their relationships and run as soon as they start to feel that they are getting attached to someone.
A deep sense of love and belonging is an irresistible need of all people. We are biological, cognitively, physically, and spiritually wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When those needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We may think we want money, power, frame, or eternal youth, but at the root of most of these desires is a need to belong, to be accepted, to connect with others and to be loved.
12.17
Where does trauma come from? For an average person, when they think about trauma, they think of horribly events. They are traumatic for sure. But trauma is not the events themselves. Trauma is the wound that one sustain. one can be wounded, or would others not only by hurting them badly, but simply by not meeting their needs, or expectations. In other words, the good things that should be happening and not happening. In a sense, we have certain emotional needs as evolved human beings. The society not only fails to meet, but actually tramples on very deliberately and very chronically, that people get traumatized not just by what happens to them, but by what doesn’t happen to them that should’ve happened.